Penis painting

December 14 2014

Image of Penis painting

Picture: Daily Dot/Copenhagen Post

So there's this bloke, right, who paints with his penis, and he's painted a picture of Kim Kardashian's butt with it. Says Uwe Max Jensen, a Dane:

“My penis is an organ. I need it to reproduce, and for sex and joy... but I can also use it in my art, and that’s joyful for me on more levels.”

Jensen said he “painted” the portrait of Kardashian in about 8 to 10 hours. His natural gifts, he said, came in handy. "If one is ill-equipped, it is difficult to reproduce the small details,” he told the Copenhagen Post. “But if one is well-endowed, it is easier to produce a better painting."

More here. Now I'm no penis painting connoisseur, but I'd say, judging by the detail he's been able to achieve in Kim Kardashian's face, below, that old Uwe Max is in fact pretty tiny, and more Uwe Min.

Anyway, there's an art historical angle here - really - for did you know that the English 18th Century portraitist John Astley also painted with his old chap? Used to whip it out as a party piece. The contemporary satirist Anthony Pasquin wrote of him:

“He thought that every advantage in civil society was compounded in women and wine: and, acting up to this principal of bliss, he gave his body to Euphrosyne, and his intellects to madness. He was as ostentatious as a peacock, and as amorous as the Persian Sophi; he would never stir abroad without his bag and his sword; and, when the beauties of Ierne sat to him for their portraits, he would affect to neglect the necessary implements of his art, and use his naked sword as a moll-stick. He had a haram and a bath at the top of his house, replete with every enticement and blandishment to awaken desire; and he thus lived, jocund and thoughtless, until his nerves were unstrung by age; when his spirits decayed with his animal powers, and he sighed and drooped into eternity!”

All this sniggering talk reminds me of the Flemish 16th Century engraver, Hiernymous Cock. 

Right, that's enough smut. Apologies to anyone offended.

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